X-RATED SONG LYRICS

THE ORIGINAL EARL SCRUGGS VERSION

Come and listen to a story

about a man named Jed.

A poor mountaineer,

barely kept his family fed.

Then one day

he was shootin' at some food.

And up through the ground

came a bubblin' crude.

Oil that is,

Black gold,

Texas tea.

Well the first thing you know

ol Jed's a millionaire.

Kinfolk said,

"Jed move away from there." 

Said "Californy

is the place you ought to be." 

So they loaded up the truck

and moved to Beverly.

Hills, that is.

Swimmin' pools.

Movie stars.

Well now it's time to say

good bye to Jed and all his kin.

And they would like to thank you

folks fer kindly droppin' in.

You're all invited back a gain

to this locality.

To have a heapin' helpin'

of their hospitality.

Hillybilly that is.

Set a spell,

Take your shoes off .

Y'all come back now,

y'hear?

THE UNCLE LUSCIOUS - VERSION ONE

Come and listen to a story

about a kid named Fred.

A poor teenager who,

pulled his pud in bed.

Then one night he was

rubbing on his junk.

And up from his groin

came some bubbling spunk.

Cum that is,

White spluge,

Nut nectar.

Well the next thing you know

Fred's hands are full of goo.

His mom said,

"What's a mother to do?"

Said "When you’re horny,

the johns where you ought to be."

So he covered his junk,

as he started to flee.

To the john.

The commode

or shower.

Well it's time to say good night 

to Fred showing us some skin.

And he would never thank

is mom for fucking barging in.

Plus she can’t come back

when he's dreaming about Nancy.

And watch him blow a load

in this sexual fantasy.

Jerking the bologna,

Spanking it,

Choking chicken!

Don't come back, Mom,

you hear?

THE UNCLE LUSCIOUS - VERSION TWO

Come and listen to a story

about a kid named Fred.

This poor teenager

barely slept all night in bed.

Then one night

while he was playing rosy palm.

When in through the door

came his fricking mom.

Cock in hand,

Jerking,

Busted nut.

Well the next thing you know

Fred's chest is full of goo.

His mom said,

"What the hell did you do?"

Said "When you're horny,

that's not the place you ought be."

So he wiped off his junk,

as he started to flee.

To the john.

The commode,

or shower.

Well it's time to say good night

while Fred dreams about the sitter.

And to be safe this time,

he's whacking it on the shitter.

Mom's not invited back

when he's dreaming about Nancy.

Or another heaping helping

of sexual fantasy.

Jerking the bologna.

Spanking meat,

with his dick out!

Can't catch me, Mom,

you hear?   

THE UNCLE LUSCIOUS VERSION ONE

Come and listen to a story

about a dude named Fred.

Poor teenager,

who never took ladies in bed.

Then one night he was

finally getting some.

When deep in his groin,

he started to cum.

Spunk that is,

Thick sperm,

Gonad grease.

Well, the next thing you know

Fred starts to say a prayer.

Kinfolk said,

"Shit happens, to be fair"

Said, "Your way too horny

when you think about Nancy"

So I pulled out my junk

and just licked her fancy.

Orange-sized tits,

Nice round ass,

Bald beaver.

Well it's time to say good night

to Fred who's flirting with sin.

And they would never thank

you folks for barging right on in.

You're not invited back again

while I fuck her silly.

And watch their heaping helping

of sperm and painted Lilly

I'm busting a nut here,

Close the door,

Get the hell out!

Don't come back now,

you hear?  

THE UNCLE LUSCIOUS VERSION TWO

Come and listen to a story

about a kid named Fred.

A poor gigolo,

who takes ladies to bed.

Then one night

in the middle of this dream.

And out through her cunt

came this golden stream.

Pee that is.

Yellow gold,

Tonsil tea.

Well, the next thing you know,

Fred's ass is in the air.

A voice said,

"Get your dick out of there."

Said, "You’re always horny

when dreaming about Tabby."

So wake your ass up 

and start jerking off for Abby.

Her small tits,

Smoking ass,

Hairy twat.

Well, it's time to say good night

while Fred starts banging her pie.

As they would never thank you

Folks for fucking dropping by.

You're not invited back again,

because of modesty.

While we have a heapin' helpin'

of sexuality.

I’m trying to get laid.

Go to hell,

Leave now and quick!

Please don't come back,

you hear?

THE PAUL SIMON VERSION

The problem is all inside your head

She said to me

The answer is easy

if you take it logically

I'd like to help you in your

struggle to be free

There must be fifty ways

to leave your lover

She said

It's really not my habit to intrude

Furthermore, I hope my meaning

Won't be lost or misconstrued

   
But I'll repeat myself

at the risk of being crude

There must be fifty ways

to leave your lover

Fifty ways to leave your lover

You Just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don't need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don't need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so

to see you in such pain

I wish there was something

I could do To make you smile again

   
I said I appreciate that
and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both

Just sleep on it tonight

And I believe in the morning

You'll begin to see the light

   
And then she kissed me

and I realized she probably was right

There must be

fifty ways to leave your lover

Fifty ways to leave your lover

You Just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don't need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don't need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

THE UNCLE LUSCIOUS VERSION

The problem is not with my husband,

she said to me

The answer is easy

for us to fix sexually

You could fuck me while my

Husband’s an absentee

When and or how I

cheated on my husband

She said,

It's really not me to walk around nude

Furthermore, I hope this meeting

is a romantic interlude

But I'll repeat myself

with the risk of being heard

When and or how I

cheated on my husband

How I cheated on my husband

Stick it between my thighs, Guys

Deep up my ass, Bass

Or in my cunt, Alan Funt

To set your sperm free

Shove in my crack, Mack

You won’t need much lube right now

For my balloon knot, Scott

To set your sperm free

She said, it grieves me so

seeing you still in clothes

I wish there was something

I could do to help you out of those
 
I said, I appreciate that

You want me, but please explain

About how you could cheat!

She said, why don't you

just start fucking me right now

And if you’re not sure what

I like I will show you where and how

And when she blew me

I realized that this was just her cover

Plus this was how she

cheated on her husband

How she cheated on her husband

Stick it between my thighs, Guys

Deep up my ass, Bass

Or in my cunt, Alan Funt

To set your sperm free

Shove in my crack, Mack

You won’t need much lube right now

For my balloon knot, Scott

To set your sperm free

THE UPDATED UNCLE LUSCIOUS VERSION

The problem is not in your penis,

She said to me

The answer is easy

for us to fix medically

I'd love to help you with your

struggle to stay hard

There must be many ways

to fuck your lover

She said, 

It's really not my habit to be rude

Furthermore, I hope this pill leads

to a romantic interlude

But I'll repeat myself

at the risk of being lewd

There must be many ways

to fuck your lover

Many ways to fuck your lover

You just slip in your prick, Rick

Deep in my slit, Mitt

You don't need to be nice, Brice

To set your sperm free

Shove in your meat, Pete

You don't need to lube up much

Just stick in your cock, Brock

And set your sperm free

She said, it grieves me so

to see your lifeless vein

I wish there were something

I could do to make it hard again
 
I said, I appreciate that

and could you please explain

About the many ways!

She said, why don't we just

stay up and try all night

And I believe that by morning

You will start to feel all right

And after she kissed me

I realized that if I tried, I might

There must be

many ways to fuck your lover

Many ways to fuck your lover

Just slip in your prick, Rick

Deep in my slit, Mitt

You don't need to be nice, Brice

To set your sperm free

Shove in your meat, Pete

You don't need to lube up much

Just stick in your cock, Brock

And set your sperm free

THE SANDHILLS SIXTEEN VERSION

I've been working

on the railroad

All the live-long day.

I've been working

on the railroad

Just to pass the time away.

Can't you hear the whistle blowing,

Rise up so early in the morn;

Can't you hear the captain shouting,

Dinah, blow your horn!"

Dinah, won't you blow,

Dinah, won't you blow,

Dinah, won't you blow your horn?

Dinah, won't you blow,

Dinah, won't you blow,

Dinah, won't you blow your horn?

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah

Someone's in the kitchen I know

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah

Strummin' on the old banjo!

Singin' fee, fie, fiddly-i-o

Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o-o-o-o

Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o

Strummin' on the old banjo

THE UNCLE LUSCIOUS VERSION

I've been cheating

on my husband

All my marriage long.

I've been cheating

on my husband

Who wasn’t one to disparage.

I can’t wait for Suzan to start,

Waking up late with a hard prick;

Can't you hear her husband shouting?

Please don’t suck his dick!

Suzan, don’t you suck,

Suzan, don’t you suck,

Suzan, don’t you suck his dick!

Suzan, don’t you suck,

Suzan, don’t you suck,

Suzan, don’t you suck his dick!     

Who's in the kitchen fucking Suzan?

Who's in the kitchen with Suzan?

Who's in the kitchen fucking Suzan?

While I lick her pussy hole!

Suck me, Suck me, you filthy whore

Suck me, you filthy whore, filthy whore

Suck me, you filthy whore

While I lick her pussy hole!